I honestly didn't even think about it because in college, this was normal for me and this friend and he lives in the state next to my parents so it's too far to drive home after a visit. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just forSlate Plusmembers. Only one red flag: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since January of last year. I also stopped hanging out with my friends in my program because he would get jealous and mad. I want to have guy friends in addition to girl friends, just over text (never in person one on one) but boyfriend thinks that it's inappropriate. He tells me he doesnt trust some of my male friends and asks me not to hang out with them alone. Hes never really liked me to talk to any of my guy friends. I did delete the guys even though it upset me, because I did want my boyfriend comfortable. Archived post. Am I being reasonable to want to text STRICTLY platonic male friends? But it's amazing how often we jump through psychological hoops of self-justification to . Archived post. My (22F) bf (23M) won't let me have ANY male friends He believes any guy who messages me just wants to have sex with me because why else would they message me? Reddit, Inc. 2023. Why He Can't Let You Go (11 Possible Reasons) - Her Norm A 'pocketer' will often avoid making plans with groups of people, and seldom brings up their friends and family in conversation. "Pacing and awaiting the right time to offer an introduction is truly about bringing you and partner closer. Archived post. Am I just overthinking? Is it wrong to feel as if he doesnt trust me when he says these things? I agreed to stop saying that I love him. Reddit, Inc. 2023. I feel so bad she kept acting like I was being naive and stupid for believing I could form an actual friendship with a guy. However, he is respectful of any relationship I have ever been in and has never said anything or been inappropriate. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed. Scan this QR code to download the app now. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. That comes from the idea that men and "women" cant be friends so obviously all my friends dont give a fuck about me and are just trying to fuck me cuz i look like a girl. This. He's never gone to therapy, but I've proposed the idea and he is open to it. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Don't let him control you just because he's insecure. It can be a tricky thing to detect, but as Rachel Perlstein, licensed clinical social worker practicing in New York and Los Angeles, points out, one key difference between waiting for the right time and being pocketed is transparency. You say that hes been cheated on in all of his relationships. My Priest Told Me Hes Leaving His Priesthood for Me. ", This can also extend to what the person's family or friend group are really like. R. Eric Thomasis filling in as Prudie for Jene Desmond-Harriswhile shes on parental leave. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. I can kind of see why he is upset, but it seems like everytime we solve a problem, a new one arises and it's starting to feel constricting. This may be the conversation that prompts the person you're dating to tell you about the family issues that he or she has been trying to keep you away from, which can feel like a relief for both of you to have out in the open. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Scan this QR code to download the app now. We both agreed to not hang out with the opposite sex alone, whether in private or in public, and I can hang with that. Pocketing is a situation where the person you're dating avoids introducing you to their family and friends. You can also communicate clearly whats important to you in a lasting relationship, such as that you both have friends and hobbies and respect each others broader worlds while also remaining monogamous. Slate is published by The Slate By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. When you text him back quickly or agree not to communicate with your guy friends, it fills his emptinessbut not for long. Why does my boyfriend say I can't have guy friends but he can - Quora I have never cheated in the past and I do not ever want to. I stayed with my guy friend (totally separate rooms, never have been intimate). This should be obvious. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. It seems reasonable. All rights reserved. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. As far as i know he doesn't seem to have many female friends. He either trusts you or he doesn't and if he can't trust you then should you be dating at all. She told me these things not to make me jealous or to hurt me, but for me to understand she is happier since she met me than she ever has been and doesnt need to do these things anymore. Thanks for signing up! Is he being restrictive? Jealousy makes people act a certain way; the overprotective, domineering, annoying, intrusion of privacy. He says if I am ever friends with boys at college (I currently attend an all-girls school), he will have to leave me, because he wont know how to handle his anxiety. I have never cheated and I never would. Boyfriend wont let me have male friends and thinks they just - Reddit If you suspect you're being pocketed, Perlstein says the key is to communicate effectively, and do your best to not become confrontational immediately. Help! Archived post. "When you are focused on building a relationship with a new partner, your intention is usually to wait until you know the person well enough on an individual basis, and like them enough to decide you want to bring this person into your social and familial life," she says. My boyfriend is very insecure about me talking to other men. Cookie Notice EDIT: Im not looking for relationship advice, just wondering if you guys believe that stuff is true or not. Don't apologize for the fact that they exist, because this is your community - your boyfriend either wants in or he doesn't. The more he sees how these men fit into your world, the more confident he should feel. My boyfriend said it doesn't matter if he has a gf, guys with girlfriends will still hit on their friends. For more information, please see our You can start by telling him that you understand his need to feel safe, but that his attempts to feel safe are pushing you away rather than making you feel closer and more connected to him. - The other night I did have two guy friends pop up but I ended up leaving then on read after a exchanging minimal words and ending the conversation. It shouldn't be a huge fight every time you want to hang out with your friends. When my oldest cousin Laura brought her then boyfriend (now husband) to Christmas Eve dinner for the first time, we sat him down, gathered around the table and each wrote our "yes" or "no" vote down on paper to determine whether or not he was worthy of dating her. He insisted I get rid of them, and got really drunk and basically dumped me a couple days later (but that didnt last). Please try again, or. Then he saw I had a male friend on a friends list for games and he freaked out again, saying I had no reason to add them and I knew it would make him uncomfortable but did it anyway. Your boyfriend has little interest in how you feelabout the pressure he puts on you to respond even when youre busy, about his dictating the parameters of your platonic friendships, about his attempt to control the activities you participate in during collegebecause he places a higher value on his safety than he does on yours. Maybe Im seeing the wrong side of the picture? Your boyfriend may have a history of feeling abandoned and attempt to protect himself now by controlling his partners, but its also possible that your boyfriend has dated women who were otherwise faithful, and then when he restricted their basic freedoms with unreasonable demands, as he has with you, they started looking for the key to the jail cell, and that key happened to be another guy. However, I have a few guy friends that I text and it really bothers him. Plenty of people maintain mixed gender relationships without the drama. If your boyfriend is willing to focus inward and do the work to take responsibility for his anxiety, make sure to tell him how much you appreciate it when you catch him making changes: I felt so good about us when I couldnt text you back right away and you managed okay without me. 9 Signs Your Boyfriend is Totally Wrong for You But ultimately, hes your boyfriend, not your security guard, so if he has some information to tell you, he should. All rights reserved. There's also the possibility that the pocketer will come clean about his or her true intentions for the relationship, which may not be in line with what you want. By handing responsibility for his safety back to him, youre creating the kind of healthy and balanced relationship that will make you both feel safer in the long run. IE 11 is not supported. Zack Martin vs Cowboys Contract: Jerry Jones Reveals Why Dallas Moved 2023 "By not introducing the person they're dating to others, they are protecting the fragile image of themselves that attracted the person in the first place. There's also the possibility that the person you've been dating hasn't been entirely truthful and may be keeping you away from friends and family in order to protect the image he or she has created. Me and my boyfriend started dating online 11 months ago. And if he does, he's not the guy for you. You cant make him feel safe, because his trust issues have nothing to do with youand may not have all that much to do with his exes either. His response was that he didnt want to break up, just wanted me to respect him and our relationship. I have been married to my wife for two years, and weve been together for five. Need help with your relationship? I am having a hard time getting these images out of my head. My boyfriend[20m] won't let me[24F] have male friends. I dont care what he does with his friends if he wanted to go to the bar or club with his friend Id say go for it or can I come with yall and have fun. After a short period of being in a really good place with my boyfriend, he suddenly went into insecure mode and accused me of cheating because he saw me messaging my guy friends again. 1. Please enable javascript to sign up for newsletters. In a possessive partnership, however, one person attempts to soothe his anxietyusually, a fear of abandonmentby controlling the space between him and his partner. Freud called this repetition compulsion. Maybe this time, the unconscious mind imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiarbut new. I understand the pain he has been through and I am very supportive of him, but sometimes I dont know what to do and just give in to what he wants, because I hate seeing him unhappy. If not, he'll bail. I want you to trust that instinct, because what youve picked up on when you say I know this isnt the right thing to do! is that theres a difference between being loved by someone and being possessed by him. I have only one or two guy friends that this will happen with. He always starts a fight. Ive tried to reassure him multiple times that they are only friends and with one of them specifically, we talk very openly about our mental health struggles (something which my boyfriend doesnt fully understand or believe in). Meaning I never see any of my friends. Photo illustration by Slate. Its not that people want to get hurt again. "Being pocketed is not about the pocketee, but truly the pocketer. He said a lot of rude things, like how i dont care about his comfort and how Im disrespecting him by talking to guys that Ive known longer than him. Boyfriend doesnt want me to have any guy friends - Reddit Just for reference, I'm always working and don't have much time to see anyone besides my immediate family and him. It may be hurting your mental health, How to tell if you're a 'conversational narcissist'. Have an honest, open conversation. The only time I ever message any is if they pop up first or I need to ask one of them something which isnt often at all. Hes busy with finals lately and i feel so alone. and our Why do people do this to themselves? Hes been cheated on before, and he gets very anxious that I will want to be with someone else. conversation with your new partner about how you're feeling, Is someone 'orbiting' you on social media? Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! He doesn't seem to. Group, a Graham Holdings Company. My boyfriend won't let me go out with my friends - Reddit The same goes for my bf, like bro you're a guy you have male friends and also have female friends. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Sometimes people with trust issues choose untrustworthy people, because those people feel familiar to them. After 8 months of dating, he randomly asked to see my Snapchat best friends list. Forgive me if this is a scattered mess, I am still not fully recovered from last night. At first, he said he didn't want me to have one-on-one dinners with my guy friends because they seemed intimate. 7. Scan this QR code to download the app now. Talk to him about it in a serious and calm manner and if he absolutely will not budge then it's up to you to either leave or continue being controlled. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. After being told I was a liar over and over and over again, even though Ive been loyal to him, I told him that if he wanted to break up then we should because Im never going to win this fight. Q. What youre experiencing is a possessive partnership, and its a form of unhealthy love that can range in intensity from unpleasant to potentially dangerous. I had two guy friends from college on there, and I didnt think it mattered because they were important to me but he blew up. But in healthy partnerships, as the relationship develops, a mutually comfortable balance is struck between connectedness and independence, and both people enjoy being together but also value and respect the other persons need for time apart. Instead you should just be free to have any friends you want. I am in college and that is where you make lots of friends and you cant help who you may meet and want to be friends with. Im very upset by this, as Im moving to be with him in a month.

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