OP, serious question, aren't you proud of her? See, my artist skills have been put to good use. 90% of the time the thing you major in doesnt matter anyway. It's not impossible to be successful in what she loves to do just means she has to work a little harde. I finally escaped my dead end retail job and have a better paying one. I majored in communications, and then drifted into a job where I eventually started writing the training manuals for my department, and then got my start in technical writing, which I then used as a jumping off point to get into a career in games journalism, which I pursued successfully as a freelance journalist for almost 20 years. You will find that on deep reflection on that there is a lot of emotion and perhaps pain associated with them doing that. You created a situation that your kid had to lie to you to pursue her dream. I'm back in school at age 61, studying web development, because of divorce. But for years, things were tough financially and emotionally. That she felt you wouldn't support her? I am not in agreement with the OP by any means but showing the salary of someone employed in an industry ignores the lack of salary of the thousands of resumes that never resulted in interviews or jobs. She would have failed out and REALLY wasted your money. My mother told me I'd never made money as an artist also. This is the worst outcome, as the kid's whole life is messed up. You shouldn't force her.life to be what you want it to be. Premed. Just because you discount her skills doesn't mean they are worthless. My ex graduated with an engineer degree again what his parents encouraged, then packed up to move the Cayman Islands to become a bartender. Also we had a few that were working in the IT Engineering Dept {Web Dev}. That is not your say. The good thing is, after that, most things are easier. A lawyer can take anything undergrad because grad school teaches the technical side. Dont stop paying right away- pay the next semester and then let her k ow she needs to find a job now and starting saving for upcoming tuition. Take some time now to have a meal with her and understand how she plans to use (i) the education she has obtained thus far, and (ii) the education she'd like you to continue to pay for. The amount of people there because their parents wanted them to be an accountant or something else employable was astonishing to me. YTA. Good job! Forcing her will just push her away. Paying doesn't give you the right to control her, and that's what you're doing. YTA and if you pursue this line, you probably won't have a daughter anymore. Why would you want to force your daughter into a career field of drudgery that she will probably get up and hate going to work everyday? Those with a true passion will have a computer lab at home and always be pushing that envelope of learning. Be ready and willing to support her by offering congratulations when deserved. At the same time, I was a Fine Art major, which is way less useful than illustration. And i can promise you. Who needs a father that belittles their interests and punishes them for their accomplishments? And man, do I feel badly for your wife. You can't live your daughter's life, is hers to do as she pleases, you can give her your love and support her decisions. And then I realized I had just basically wasted four years of my life and thousands of dollars. Get student loans." He should be so proud! He graduated 3rd in his class and there was only .25 of a point btwn him and the salutatorian and him. Sorry, Ill take someone who is harsh over an outright liar and borderline con artist. Forcing your child to select a college major of your choosing is a fool's mission. You have every right to refuse to pay for something you did not agree to. All because its not what YOU WANT FOR HER. An art degree is functionally equivalent to throwing the money in the garbage. OP, your daughter lied to you because it wasnt safe for her to tell you the truth. How would any of you feel to find out that your love was only being used to get access to your money? NTA. Are you will to never see or hear from her again? I hope y'all can find the path that makes you happiest, even if it's not what you originally wanted. If she had ended up a technical writer she would have had a secure well paying job during the quarantine but no, she ended up with a major she hated and no job. Sorry, OP, but YTA, here. Im assuming you still want to guide her into a good career (by this I mean, one where she isnt under massive stress due to finances), and cutting her off is not going to help with that. Most of my students have minor(s). She has the option to pay her own way, its not like youre cutting her off. Same. Genuinely, I understand that you're concerned for her future, but please understand that all your doing is pushing your daughter away. Btw a degree in Illustration has better career prospects than one in computer science. Yta. If you take money with an understanding you're going to do X with it, you might get yelled at for doing Y. OP and daughter need to sit down and find some sort of middle ground here. You want to go to art school, have at it. Plus if she's good enough as a freshman/sophomore to get in an exhibit she's most likely going to be on easy street. If I had a child whose work was chosen to be displayed in an exhibition, I'd be so proud and so ecstatic. You either support your daughter or you don't. She lied to you because she knows your love is conditional and she doesn't trust you. Her degree is for her future not yours. Oh I understand the votes the other way lol. She chose to do something she enjoyed instead (and is actually good at it) and although I don't approve of lying to your parents (or to anyone) I can't imagine any scenario with a positive outcome if she had said the truth because of your attitude towards her interests. INFO: Are you sure she's majoring in illustration? I actually like my job and STILL dont want to go half the time. You're doing so much damage to your daughter. I know a family with your mindset. Maybe not. First of all, you're paying for you daughter's tuition without actually seeing any documentation? Sadly, if she live in the States, she is an adult. Why do you believe "manipulative" is bad? You need to stop trying to force her into doing what you want because you feel like you know what is best for her. By the time I finished undergrad, only 1 person out of that 200 got into med school (wasnt me). It's you trying to push her so much that you will only support her if she does what you want her to do. Im so impressed that she had the strength to do what she loves despite you. Its your money. Your daughter knows you too well thats why shed rather lie than be honest with you. You can let her minor in illustration you can pay for a cheaper 2 year community college first. Well, it will be harder without a father who actually cares and encourages but, if she really wants it, she'll start in some entry level job and get away from your attitude as soon as possible. Id consider the community college or state college route as viable options. I'm sorry she was dishonest with you, but, did you ever think, maybe she wants her career to be something she enjoys? She's afraid to be honest and you're not making it easy. Worse are those who were forced in to the major or chose it strictly for the money / job opportunities. Even excelled at it finding the classes too easy and declared a CS major in college. It only took me 20 years after high school to realize it. You treat them like they're 5 years old well into adulthood! Wow. If she get married will you withhold money if you dislike the person they love. So many of us were idealistic at one point, especially around 19. How could OP be anything but proud of his daughter? It's awesome your daughter has a passion she's good at, and contrary to what you believe it's not as difficult to get a steady job. Wanted to be a sports writer haha. God only knows how much debt they accumulate before washing out. Youre insufferable. None of them made it post the second year. No, I think the correct term in most legal systems would be fraud. She can be very successful at it, but you dont care. Also, many students overrate the value of minors. You're just mad that she's not being a good little sheep and doing exactly as you want. Maybe you can make suggestions, but thats about it. It altered our relationship forever. Thats great! You dont need to pay for her education, as its your money and its not a legal requirement for you to pay for your kids college. But she's a big baby who lied. Makes me wonder who gave him this advice. My Dad dressed like GQ but us girls and mom had to scrub car and couch cushions if we wanted McDs] When I turned 16, I lived in the most beautiful house on my street. And this is a burden put on them by their parents, who love them and want them to be successful, and come far too close to breaking their own children with the weight of their expectations. If you love her, act like it. She has the rest of her life to fall back onto something else. This is her life not yours. I went to art school for five years, ended up majoring in English, and have an amazing job in venture at 27. You are trying to dictate your daughter's future. Controlling much? He is going to lose her, and he will blame everyone but himself for her distance. Most employers dont actually care what your undergraduate degree is in. Or maybe one with a less evil cooperation. And it's a bad situation for both of you. I mean, he sees her art was accepted, but that doesn't mean she's majoring in art. Yeah I totally understand his frustration in that he was lied to, but perhaps after he cools down and can put 2-2 together again, this acceptance may show him it's not as useless as he thinks. YTA. Planning on picking out her husband too? I would rather they get up every morning looking forward to work, but earning a bit less, than getting up in a mansion and hating their life. You're pathetic too. Way to make your childs dreams die. If you only want to use it on major that is likely to have a good ROI that is your call. I understand you want whats best for her. Were you able to follow your artistic calling in one way or another? That said, people are correct that you should not force her into something she hates either. Maybe you guys can find a compromise and continue to pay on the condition that she gets some experience with graphics and ux design? For senior yr I saved $500 for my exchange to Germany.It went to students with highest gpa then down.Dad was feeling like a drunken withholding dick (I saved 500$ fee myself, all he had to do was sign permission) refused persmission slip.then a week before trip he said 'Hey! There are companies that hire illustrators for books, movies,shows etc. I was an exceptionally smart child, if I had made different decisions and put the effort in I probably could have been making well into 6 figures easily. Nothing worse than having skills for a job that you hate, that always reminds you of the parents that never believed in you or your dreams for yourself, so they put you in that box, computer science major. Also, give your daughter the space to grow and learn about herself. You say "you won't pay", but as you're married, it's your wife's money too. Let it happen and see where it goes. Also, with a few exceptions (highly specialized fields where it's often very hard to get into the major), the "practical" majors are increasingly difficult to get jobs with because everyone is majoring in them--if you're just going after jobs that are related to that degree, you've got a lot of competition. They travel, or did till covid, to the west coast, to Europe, and to Australia, where her family is. YTA! You sound like a controlling parent, like one of those awful movie parents who cuts their kids off financially despite offering to pay in the first place. He stating that hed pay for it if she did. My daughter, who is 19, told me she was going to college to major in computer science. Sadly, me? She is incredibly low contact. If she has her art in an exhibition that means that she has talent, and she will found work with it. "I'm forced to do hours of labor that I hate and resent" is a great recipe for a substance use problem. My middle child will graduate with a math major next year but has started a full time research job. I hated it and so I struggled to keep up with it and my grades suffered. But it was a journey and I don't regret a single step! I feel like most Asian parents are like that. Theres work out there for what your daughter & I do. Nobody wants to see their child fail, but have you considered that thats her path to walk? 2) You opened your adult daughter's mail without her permission?? So you'll only be a decent parent to her if she lives the life you want her to live? My only advice is you find a way to communicate to her in a way that will just make her think you are being controlling. My point here is you cannot dictate what they're going to do for a living. You should be proud of her! Considering social media and technology (specifically with DIY design companies like Canva that allow even the least artistic person to create a decent logo/art), the field is also constantly changing. There was a reason she didn't tell you at first, and you should be taking a long hard look at that reason. He would advise our kids that hey Ill support you whatever you choose, but I want to make sure you think really hard before choosing your major. YTA, you out her in a position where she had to lie. I was a working artist for over 30 years. Probably going against the grain. As if turns out, she lied to me. They only see their kids as extensions of themselves. I found out her work was chosen to be displayed in the exhibition. For me, that means you don't trust her, that you are giving up on her. That's awesome! And then when she had proof that her passion was making her successful and effectively proving you wrong, you threw a tantrum and sadistically decided to screw her over because you can't stand that your daughter proved you wrong and that she was happy and successful doing what she wanted and not fulfilling your vicarious living through her. You dont trust her? It can be such a successful career. Everybody wins. But this career path requires an amount of passion that I just do not have. - The kid wastes a few years doing the hated major, then drops out and does what they want. Are you going to try to prearrange her marriage too? What they choose to study and I'll be proud of them no matter what they do. All my parents forcing me into a specific degree accomplished was delaying my entry into the workforce (earning potential and ability to work in the field I actually wanted to) and permanently harming our relationship. If she's not obligated to be honest, you're not obligated to give her money. She's your daughter, she gets to choose what to do with her life. You know JK Rowlings parents also disagreed with her when she wanted to major in literature. The classes Ive taken for credit were about $90. He has the audacity to be furious when daughter's passion is being recognized? She's majoring in illustration. If I'd followed everyone's suggestions to go into accountingI'd be miserable. We spend more waking hours a week on the clock then off. YTA for being controlling and unsupportive of your daughter. I'm sorry you didn't have the support you deserved. We have always had a very open family dynamic and my two girls have had no problems telling me what's on their mind because they know that I will support them no matter what. If you want to be a grown up, then you need to accept grown up responsibility too. Getting over this kind of anxiety is hard. ESH - you are doing a wonderful job of teaching your daughter that lying to you is the only way to get your support. Poor girl being raised by a person like you. you found out that she is finding some success in her chosen field so you cut all her tuition money? If she's talented enough to have her art already on expo at 19, I'm sure she'll get a well paid job sooner than later once her degrees is complete. Edit to add that you're mistaken in thinking she can't make any money off of that btw. A family member got a degree in illustration and now makes goooood money as an art agent helping other people succeed in the field. Find your favourite writers, figure out what you like from their work and just start writing! I was berated by my family that Id never be a humanities professor. Hope hes willing to lose any relationship he has with his daughter. If she fails, you can gleefully say I told you so for decades. Private commissions for gifts? Independent of what the position has the potential to pay, it's her life, her career goals, her future. You can reasonably support your child's dream. If you can afford to pay, then pay.it is your $$ and you can do what you want with it. Do you not realize that a lot of people have successful careers in art? But thats okay! So you'd have your daughter study something she's not interested in, and then get a job in a field that again she's not interested in? YTA. You are trying to financially control your daughter. What a great father You have a young, talented daughter She was SO CERTAIN you would refuse to support her pursuit of WHAT SHE ACTUALLY WANTS TO DO - THAT SHE FELT THE NEED TO LIE TO YOU. AITA for buying my wife a watch in a color she doesnt like? Is this what you want for your daughter? Trust your daughter. Almost all jobs have difficulty and competition is fierce but you should blame the system that makes it hard for people to do what they love for a living by tying employment to health insurance and retirement and greedy corporations that are raising the cost of living too high. You do understand any college major can include electives or want some unrelated (to the major) classes as a method of rounding out the students, yes? AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! However, every accomplishment I have in my field doesn't seem to be enough for my dad. Exams and grades are not the stressful part of my time in college. Plus I don't know if you have seen what illustrators make but illustrators make a good fucking chunk of money I mean she won't be a computer whiz but illustrators once you get on the path they do make a good fucking living. So it makes it ok for her to lie and take his money? Either you support your daughter, or you don't, but if you choose not to, admit to yoyrself and them what you're doing. Lol i might get downvote into oblivion but I'm gonna go with a hard NTA. An argument then happened which resulted in Alexa and Kate crying and Kate saying she hated me. Its a perfectly viable skill and career. OK she's doing Illustration, but maybe she can take graphic design courses to help her professional skills. Yes. You will end up losing her, no matter what career she chooses. You should be encouraging your kids talents, not making them feel like they have to lie to you about their major and passion. Perhaps she will be able to appease your concerns. I could see some computer graphics mixing with illustration. And another friend that studied literature is now a university professor of poetry. You are far worse though, for holding financial support over your daughters head to force her into a career path she doesnt want to do and will hate. They found out that making video games is nothing like playing them. Let her study what she wants to study. I minored in real estate and sport business management. You're showing her that your love for her is conditional. I mean she already feels like she needs to lie to you. Edit: please consider reading the whole comment before responding. Most importantly, hear how everyone has made missteps, and it all turns out okay. I'm 48 now. Am in marketing. these are not the same thing at all lol shes still getting an education and taking classes just not for what she said, and clearly she had good reason. You dont want her to struggle or have a tough life. Youd do better to be supportive and help her see ideas for making herself marketable in a field she adores and clearly has talent in if her art is being featured. She is obviously talented and should follow her passion and talents. OP is TAH. If I were you, instead of cutting her off, request her future work/job plan based on the courses she's taking now. If she didnt want to pursue computer science, then she could have find another way to pay for her tuition. TLDR; NTA if you dont want to pay after her lying/you disagreeing with her, but realistically it would probably be better for her career and your relationship if you continued to help. Idk what happened to the rest of them as there was a huge falling out. If she's forced into it? Plus sexism is still a big problem in the IT industry and turns a lot of people off even when they have the passion for it. YTA. Be supportive and apologize if not I don't think you'll have a good relationship with her in the future. I wanted to study journalism (for a career) + English Lit (out of interest). My daughter is a musical theatre major and I couldnt be more proud! Some get rich, most don't. of course, youll play the victim and try to manipulate her back into doing what YOU want to do. I've learned on my own by watching the process over and over. The correct response is, "How much are tickets to the exhibition and can I buy her work???". Pre-med flunkout. My kid is in culinary school. It is a wonder your daughter wants anything to do with you. If she doesn't have a passion for computer science then she's never going to be successful in that field and you would be wasting your money. That should tell you something about the health of your relationship. Your behavior is more in line with a teenager than a grown ass adult. She's perfectly welcome to have that as elective/minor/hobby work. He pulled strings to get me allowed to transfer to a different school, and study as I chose. Right, OP wasn't even excited about that. Your child doesn't exist to fulfill your desires and be who you wanted them to be. Yeah. For years I've been trying to talk her out of it. Sure, these are competitive fields but the fact is, people do actually have those jobs and do quite well with them. She can gather followers on here and other social media outlets, like Facebook or Instagram or TikTok and do commissions. I couldnt imagine how itd be if I hated it. So many have cut off their parents because they realize how toxic and manipulative they are. I can't say any of the good stuff I wanted to say because everyone else beat me to it. I wanted her to do something she could be successful in. You can count the number of illustrators supporting themselves comfortably on your fingers. ", 10-15 years from now: "My daughter hasn't spoken to me since she graduated from college (riddled in debt since I pulled financial support when she was 19). My minors were purely for fun. She's being ridiculous. She is not being honest with you because she is aware you are not going to be ok with her making choices about what she wants in life, so she can either do what you say, or pay the price. He and his father didn't speak for years. You are basically telling her that your approval is contingent on her doing what you want her to do. This sub is super big on 'nobody is entitled to your money' but for some reason here the kid is automatically entitled to daddy's money to spend on whatever she wants, and ok to lie about it? The long term damage is too costly. And you were furious because her work is good enough to be in a show. Gotta let her figure out how to make it pay on her own. Your job should be to help down her the path she chooses. She hasn't invited me to any of her art exhibitions or her wedding. I bet he bullied her so that she felt she had no option but to say she opted for comp sci major. If you keep pushing her away eventually she won't come back. Theres the beginnings of that success you want for her and youre having a fit because its not what you wanted? where I work, many tech writers used to be developers. Cutting it out because shes flunking out, dealing drugs or sacrificing animals to raise the Elder gods? If she's not good at something, she won't succeed and then will change her career path. She's smarter than me. It became an ex-wife. I get it! You should ask yourself why she felt the need to lie to you. YTA, and if I was your daughter, I will strive harder to make an actual living in illustration so I can pay you back every single penny you spent on me. Love isn't conditional, man. Youre paying so its your rules. I felt a little awkward. If you want someone to talk to about your situation, feel free to message me. She is young and has so much time to fix it if it doesn't work out but I think she's chosen a great and flexible career path for a woman. Keep writing. For more information, please see our Who tf cares. He died 2 years ago, and at the time of his death he and I hadn't spoken in over a decade. Just tell your daughter that you don't actually love her, you love only the imaginary computer science major daughter you wanted instead of her. You need to have a basic understanding of how businesses work and maybe you will need it for a job. And I don't want to go back to academia anytime soon. I think youre both kind of the asshole but also Im an art major who wishes they couldve pursued a more profitable degree. When they are babies we have playgroup and other groups to actually support each other through parenting but apparently when our children are teenagers all we get is Reddit . I get she lied but how much if that was because you were refusing to listen, you are bing unsupportive, you are pushing her away from her passion and she would feel you left her without a choice or a voice. I wanted to a lawyer, and I would have been a good one, but it was forbidden. I may get hate for that but I've seen the debt colleges will load onto the backs of mediocre artists. Passion is just as important as skill. I know you want her to be successful, I know your generation sees high-paying jobs as the most important way to define success. Do you just have like, a stamp that you lend out to relatives to sign your name onto anything they convince you is worthwhile? This has nothing to do with her lying to you or stealing from you. Thisssss it took me so much longer to finish my degree bc I let my parents convince me I should get a business degree spoiler, its been years now and I dont use my business degree and hate it. Or is it only bad if the student finds themselves into something you dont seem worthy. Mom really wanted me to be a dr. She hated it, barely graduated, and does not use her degree at all in her work. When I was at a big university, the general thinking was that we chose a major by the end of the second year. Yes YTA because though it was wrong from her to lie it was you who you caused this, she can be successful in illustration and get opportunities because obviously she's good at it but you can't see beyond your own prejudices. I wish her and your wife luck in their continued lives, which you are going to be a smaller and smaller part of as the years go by. I understand you are upset about the lie, but you also were not being a good parent when you put so much pressure on her to do what you wanted with her life instead of what she wanted that she was scared you would not support her unless she submitted to your total control of her future. You need to repair your relationship with your daughter and stop worrying about her future. Because theyre obsessed with their fantasies about the perfect little mini mes theyll have who will grow up to fulfill those fantasies so the parent can live vicariously through those perfect lives they planned. We havent spoken much in 10 years. As long as what you choose makes YOU happy Ill support you THAT IS A PARENT. - a number of sources say jobs in the arts will grow faster than overall jobs - these jobs are the least likely to be replaced by automation, " I know she loves illustration but it is extremely hard to get a steady job out of that.". And just because she may be good at it, it doesnt mean that she is going to want to do that as a living. I was worried I'd struggle because math isn't my strong suit especially after all these years but I seem to have an affinity for chemistry math. Shi facts, my parents were disappointed I decided to go for nursing as opposed to pre med or engineering. By deciding not to help pay for her schooling, youre literally dragging her down. We have to apply directly to the school to study a specific program, not just to enter the school itself, and if you want to switch programs you have to reapply entirely usually. And ended up getting financially and going to a special school specifically for what I wanted to go for only to get a certificate that's the equivalency to an associate's degree. YTA. That they knew what I wanted and how I was meant to succeed in life. I stopped pursuing art until last year when I took classes at the local community college. At the end of the day he would support them. All you need to be happy is to do something that you enjoy and makes you feel fulfilled. Jesus. NTA, Illustration and graphic design are unprofitable? I guarantee that your daughter feels like you think she sucks, and the damage has been done. I am a health care professional actually. Please dont be that parent. Only the abusive, controlling Father kept pestering until she pretended to give in. Because it sounds like you want your daughter to hate her life. Now you can say you just want her to find a good stable job and support herself, she can still do that as an illustrator and love what she does instead of dragging herself to a job that she hates. Compromise is the answer. Plus it her life not yours. Encourage her passion, be thrilled that, at her age, she knows what she wants to do, and be a champion for her! NTA. The kid obeys, gets the hated degree, and goes to work in a hated job field. As a taxpayer in a country that has free education. There's expensive universities all around the world, even in countries that also have affordable public unis, and non EU citizens pay high fees even in many EU countries that have low tuition for EU citizens, and it's same in many places for international students.

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