Even if she was on birth control. Its very clear that you care a great deal about the quality of your childs life and emotional well-being. By having sex you are saying that the woman might get pregnant and you are willing to deal with it if that is the case. You are the one who is keeping this rollercoaster of a relationship going with him. Anyway, people are calling him scum for having unprotected sex with a woman he was dating. I have zero sympathy for for any guy crying about how hes stuck paying for a child he doesnt want. But, yet, again you let him back and hoped things would change and he would be with you. she didn't know that she's pregnant after in 4 month later. I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. SpaceySteph I dont think anyone thinks hes an ass for having sex with someone after a split. Ill never in a million years get it. Merely that it is an immense expense for the man for a situation that he didnt want a situation which, as I said, the woman is never forced to endure. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Essence.com Advertising Terms. How quickly (or slowly) he got into a new relationship after your breakup. Ever since U.S. He doesnt want to be with you. Cowards who abandon responsibility when they dont want to deal with it dont make good partners. If the other woman decides to have the baby, her now boyfriend will be liable for child support, which will significantly impact his finances (and their finances if they marry for the next 18 years. Have you ever been in a fling for a good amount of time -- maybe even half a year . It happens, no matter what precautions are taken, unless you opt out of sex. Been there She wants to live in a dorm with her friends and no way is she missing weeks of school to give birth. SMDH! But it also ought to be her responsibility. Otherwise were looking at an extremely improbable event which the woman in question was able to predict with uncanny accuracy. We have the means to resolve pregnancy issues. we were truley in love. Your boyfriend is 40 effing years old. I think this guy is a jerk not because he had sex with someone else when he was single, but because he is taking no responsibility for a life he created. Although I cant decide if shes purely a straight-up C.U.N.T. If someone decides to risk becoming a parent by having sex, especially unprotected sex, or by letting a pregnancy continue to the point where a baby is born, they are consenting to be responsible for any child that is produced. Still, if I were the LW and I saw my newly reunited BF acting this way about his soon to be born child, Id get the heck out of there. April 9, 2012, 2:45 pm. Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. Rather than holding him responsible, you have focused on the other women. And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom.. April 10, 2012, 9:34 am. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. April 10, 2012, 5:07 pm. You may not agree with it, but the laws are such that he is obligated to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, if she decides not to terminate the pregnancy. They shouldnt just play house for the sake of the kid. Part of the reason I feel no one should be forced to be a parent is that those who are forced to be parents often cause the most lasting damage to the children. A forty year old man should know that once is all it takes to handcuff himselfto someone for the next 19 years or so. She didnt rape him. April 10, 2012, 5:16 pm. CONSTANTLY. Because once the innocent kid is here, the fact that he/she was an accident does not mean he/she has less of a need for supportive, involved parents. April 9, 2012, 1:49 pm. And should. The system you propose that if conception is not by mistake and if the man does not decide early on that he doesnt want to be responsible, then he should be obligated to that child is the craziness system ever. No interest in fatherhood? I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that. If your girlfriend complains that you never take . I think this would cut down on a LOT of baby mama drama with regards to accusations of women getting pregnant on purpose or trapping me with a baby. Because no matter how much we feminists on here hate that bullshit, it DOES happen. April 9, 2012, 10:34 pm. By clicking Sign Up, you agree to our reader, iz07a+, writes (11 March 2010): A Doesnt matter if the owner of cocacola sat down with you and discussed the possible risk of opening a bottle and what you would both do if something went wrong. It was one of those comments that deserved the opportunity to be liked twice anyway. One does not need to hate women to find inherent unfairness in current laws. The fact that all this happened doesnt mean hes some despicable jackass. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. You dont really get to have a say in this situation, but encourage your boyfriend to have a relationship with this child. Honestly, I see unfairness in the current system too, but I dont see how you could look out for the best interests of children while simultaneously making everything 100% fair for both mother and father. There is no way to know this. Not good enough. I am sorry, but that is just dumb. Its not a secret that it works that way in our society. He delivered, at her request, one-half of a set of DNA blueprints. Start sinking down in the gutter, and no, Im not going to follow you there. You need to be consistent in your line of reasoning.. Because otherwise, society would, if you could never work again and started collecting welfare, etc. Its unfortunate that he may potentially be a life-long relationship as parents with this woman, in addition to the legal responsibilities for the child, but any 40 year old man knows that is a potential risk. And shame on you for agreeing that he is entitled to this opinion. Youve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author ofThe Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit showBraxton Family Values. While I realize that this is a stressful situation, your letter indicates that you will always harbor resentment for this child and this woman who will be in you and your boyfriends lives FOREVER. Add your answer to this question! And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING WOMEN to have abortions? Year 1970. People in healthy relationships say things like despite the circumstances that broke us up, we realized our relationship was worth working past those things by doing xyz Finally, the letter reads as a teenagers temper tantrum. It was her choice. You know what bothers me, if the lady wasnt pregnant would he have told you of the affair? Whos the daddy? Again, this implies that a pregnancy must lead irrevocably to a child. I dont know why this posted as a reply to Honeybeenicki I tried to post it separately. You are indiscriminate in your partner choice and/or birth control? Steve Kellmeyer I wanted to punch my computer screen while reading this and was so afraid the comments would not say what you are saying. But hes no knight in shining armor because he is willing to bare some legally minimal level of responsibility. well, then Id run screaming the other way. "Cry, vent and . Just once. Dont push him to be with this woman. I think she is just trying to trap my man, who is untrappable. Remember we are hearing all this second or third hand. iseeshiny Just keep right on thinking about yourselves as so many of you seem so want to do. They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. evanscr05 Well get our hands off your uterus when you get your hands off our wallets. She got pregnant. Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. But you were split up for 2 months and cant bear to live without each other yet he didnt waste any time jumping into bed with someone he barely knows? I think I said that about my boyfriend was I was about 15. Or is it Dear Wendy gender wars where the men stick together to excuse bad behavior of men while the women cry foul? The fact that only the woman has the abortion option is biology, not anyones opinion. 6napkinburger Might he have continued sleeping with her? However, sure, something unexpected and life-altering happened to him, and hes upset, so surely hes an idiot. Chuck Pelto These are not discussions about angels dancing on the head of a pin there is a child that needs financial support during his/her life. But, in reality it takes two to have sexual intercourse and two people to make a baby. I think this post must have been linked somewhere, hence all the men defenders, out to protect a mans right to have indiscriminate sex without consequences. it happens. and its also appalling that he would order a woman to abort. Were looking at this situation through the eyes of his ex whos pissed off that he knocked up this other woman but seems pretty bound and determined to get back with him. He said he still loves me and that he didnt love her, and it was a mistake. I dont think the actual equality is as you think it is, but even if I agree that it is, it has nothing to do with what happens early on in a pregnancy. You mean, a man shouldnt be able to decide to throw money at his child, but never once be involved whatsoever in the childs life? If you are a woman, if you just met a guy, and if you become pregnant, you can get 20+ years of child support. we broke up and he got another girl pregnant. Hes responsible for the choices that brought him where he is now. April 10, 2012, 5:06 am, Still, itd be nice if so many women werent so often so shamelessly dishonest about this, wouldnt it? I get what youre saying. How very astute of you to notice the fundamental difference between the genders. If this is the case then your friend is in the clear because he has no legal responsibility any more. Once you decide to have sex you are basically saying that you realize pregnancy is a possibility. There was a single picture of my ex-boyfriend, his then-girlfriend, and their first child. And lo and behold, thats exactly what youve gotten. THERE IS NO CHILD AT CONCEPTION. But the issue is when he decided not to pull out but bust a load into a strangerhe took on that risk of possibily having the responsibility to pay for a kid for the next 18 years. They were broken up so he had no obligation to the LW. Now pay for the childs necessities in life. Thats not the point here. Ill never understand the chicks who want to blame/curse/fight the other woman like the dude has no part in the whole mess. The fact that you just knew your boyfriend got another girl pregnant before you start dating him shows that both of you is lacking a good communication way. ha, Ive done too many drugs too. All rights reserved. Its not the mans moral fault that he didnt think he would be roped into parenthood by a singular sexual encounter when he was told she was on the Pill.. So go whine about how unfair life is to someone who is as ignorant as you are about how life works. And be aware that nothing short of not having sex is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy. Or until we decide to start a family.. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. I would like to also say, we dont know that shes trapping him. If the woman is not required to support a child Exactly. There is no indication that he is committed to having a relationship with you on any level. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicatetrying to stay friends. reader, Laura1318+, writes (25 January 2008): A I had no idea most women hated it. Is it 100% fair to men or women? There is no 100 percent way to prevent pregnancy. Wrap it up or dont have sex, thats the only choice YOU have. You and John are both arguing something that nobody else is. End. thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. Just 10 seconds in the slipstream at 175 mph.. Chuck Pelto At this point, its an easy thing to resolve this without decades of support and animosity. Seriously. And for what its worth, I highly doubt he can bear to live without you. I mean, he didnt exactly waste any time getting some other chick pregnant, did he? he delivers the baby from the nursery to your house. Given that youve never met him, how is it that you can be so sure of that? Im not arguing that he should be able to force an abortion. So of course the events are filtered through that lens. Cookie Notice Reading your letter, you are far too immature to handle this. The sperm is genetically identical to the IVF doctors sperm, and it is the IVF doctor who impregnates the woman, even if he never has sex with her. It is possible to get pregnant on the pill if you dont take it at the same time everyday, so maybe use backup protection if youre fucking someone you dont know? It seems like you would be even more concerned about this when sleeping with someone you are non-monogamous with. Its not fair to create more fucked up human beings by being the father a kid never had; by making them think theres something about them that wasnt good enough. Susie is lost. Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. iseeshiny These two ideas cannot be simultaneously true. You have the proof he banged her and now they have a child together. There is a chance it isnt his. My boyfriend and I split up for two months. James Felix Loved this guy, things were not working out, cos he was fucking around with other girls. or if shes just done too many drugs or something and her brain is rotting away. But there is a happy ending to this story. In the current system he has the option to opt out any time prior to conception. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. SweetsAndBeats It doesnt have to toss a ball with you to help with your rehab or take pictures of you with your new arm. April 10, 2012, 7:38 pm. If a woman has sex with a man she should be prepared for the fact that it could result in her under going a medical proceedure, be it an abortion or childbirth. Im NOT saying she should abort, just that shes an idiot & she shouldnt expect a one-night stander to suddenly be a father. It is never said in the letter that he didnt, and the apparent assumption is that, since the woman said she was on the pill, he must not have used one. Also, HUGE RED FLAG. lets_be_honest Shortly afterward we learned that he got the other woman pregnant. But anyone who consents to sex and is then furious at their sex partner when a baby is the outcome is an idiot. 1. After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. No matter what happens, if you open a bottle of coca-cola and it explodes, taking off your arm in the process, Coke pays you damages for it. He found someone relatively fast and quick, and jumped in the bed with her. Woah. Theyre eating each other alive, and theyre doing it up hill both ways, in three feet of snow, with no shoes on! Not your body, not your choice. While we both made it, I wanted it and he didnt. I dont usually ever think letters are fake, but this one MIGHT be fake. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? It means he or she will know their father, in a sense, and will also have the opportunity to believe that their father just simply didnt want to have anything to do with them. Its fucking simple. female This is clearly a heated topic, so Im not sure were all being purely logical about it. You need to be consistent in your line of reasoning. She has no right to be angry at this other woman, and doesnt know what her motives are. People think LW is out of line, because she has no right to be pissed at this women for wanting to keep a child, and no right to make up reasons why she is having this baby in the first place. April 9, 2012, 5:05 pm. He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. I agree people who are dysfunctional should not stay together for the sake of the kid it will just make things worse. Therefore, unless a man has sex only with the intent of becoming a father and only with the intent of never being with another woman, he is an asshole. Im not questioning the reality of the situation Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. Not your wallet, not your choice. Im pretty sure the guy is being called scum because of his shitty attitude towards the pregnancy and the unborn child. Everyone in this situation sounds like they belong on Jerry Springer. Already Tired of the Baby Malarky. Would be nice if they could because there were many nights when I was pregnant where my husband could have had our babies lay on his bladder instead of mine. That can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on your views of abortion, where you are in your life, who your partner is, etc. Not long-winded just a breath of fresh air and reason after the insanity in that letter. I am amazed at people who think abortion is wrong for religious reasons, but have no concerns about coitus with people outside of matrimony with people they just met for two minutes. I brought it up, that if *I* was the girlfriend, I would be bothered by this, in addition to his behavior post-conception. Lets start a familyyou know, if the condom doesnt work. Is the same thing going through a womans mind when she decides to have sex? I completely agree. React. Translation: men should think before they poke but women can do whatever they damn well please. Tim. It upsets me how much anger seems to be directed towards this unborn child. I find it absurd that there is a debate about this guys right to have unprotected sex as if its ever a good idea. Go back and reread the original letter starting with the part where hes furious with the woman he impregnated. Wrapping it up doesnt prevent pregnancy. AndreaMarie Not because there was anything wrong with me or because I didnt deserve a father or because I wasnt lovable she was always sure to explain that it was his deficits that kept him from being a part of my life. PS. If youre going to have sex with someone you are not in a relationship with, be prepared that a *pregnancy* might happen. He does nothing about the situation and when I try to talk about it, we never resolve the issue; he just says Im right but does nothing about it because she continues to do it. While I stand by my statements about this woman being a total idiot, etc., and the fact that I dont think anyone was calling him scum for having sex with someone after he broke up with his girlfriend, I will say that I agree with the idea that its unfair for guys that they have no say in keeping or aborting but will be on the hook for child support even if they wanted the mother to have an abortion. You seem to put a lot of blame on her, but you do know that he was there too, right? P.S. But, seriously you should both get tested for STDs. I get owning up to your responsibilities in an unwanted pregnancy, but you cant really think that is going through every non-idiot males mind when he gets ready to have sex. You want some advice? Bottom line. iseeshiny And its not because either sex is evil or worse than the other. Weeks. He was broken up with her at that time, and had no agreement that they would get together in the future. There is an obvious reason why we are all pretty damn sure he didnt use a condom For starters, itd have been the big leading point of the letter He so doesnt know how this happened! I could maybe understand if he was 19 and didnt know what to do. Thanks. 1 mth after we got together, he cheated and got a girl pregnant. People arent calling him scum for having unprotected sex with a women he was dating. I have two young sons I dearly hope neither of them ever come across a woman as conniving as you appear to be. But even though I led you to believe I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to have the baby anyway and thereby obligate you to two decades of support.. He has been torn up by the pain he has caused me. My issue is even, at the very least, if you dont want to wear a condom.then pull out!!! So, she went out, hooked up with someone she knew briefly (which a lot of people do) and accidently got pregnant. He knows how to make a baby, and he knows how to avoid making a baby. Someone else has assumed it. The man has NOTHING to do with any child creation. Also, there are so many single parents who have adopted. Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? Except that hes not. Were also stuck with either A) experiencing an abortion or B) going through a pregnancy. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? You may love and care for this man and attack the other women all day long, but at the end of the day, you do not have a relationship and nothing has changed. Or, hey, maybe they were both tested, maybe they were both clean, and maybe he believed her, and maybe she actually was on the pill. 3. its up to you wether to stay his friend or not. Hey, honey, I thought you had control over your bodies? SpaceySteph Please. caitie_didnt Its no excuse but no one will every be able to explain men. What are your thoughts on an abortion? In order to build trust, the person must be trustworthy. female Your logic is weird. Even though people would like to think that the pill is 100% effective it is not. If this happens, he STILL should not be welcomed back. Nothing about that makes him a bad person. That pretty much sums it up for me. submandave He was there just as much as that woman was. My biological clock is so, so ticking!!!. Im also a longtime lurker who was a little taken aback by all the vitriol aimed at this mans head. Because of my family not being to fond of him we broke it off and i was depressed for along time. Two. Take this as a lesson learned. When I was on the pill, my ex boyfriend STILL used condoms to make sure it was safe. April 9, 2012, 10:00 pm, No, I actually think that of us effectively use condoms Most of the dumb idiots I know that knocked girls up all thought they were safe because they were told all was well, Im on the pill PS. Just sayin. bittergaymark So what? Relax. When you two were engaged, he cheated and had a child by another woman. Move on. The states dont advertise this. LW, your anger is misdirected. he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey I have no doubt theyll be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted with a mom so loving as you! If youre going to be all bent out of shape if the stranger youre sleeping with has your baby then Id ask for a hand job instead. bittergaymark Then, after giving him an ultimatum to get it together or lose you, you felt it best to move away and hoped he would run after you. No, he could be furious at the legal system that compelled it or at the woman (who, by the way, was equally culpable in the creation) who opts to continue with a child only she wants. Because you sound about 17. I just personally get outraged that this is the case: that he would have to pay support regardless, but that she can opt out of it. My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed My Views On Parenthood. Im not sure why you think this woman is trying to trap your boyfriend unless there are other details you didnt provide. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. And fools are welcome to the horror you and your ilk inflict upon them. I GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT PRANK ON GIRLFRIEND! (GONE WRONG) | We Has she tried to convince him to come back to her? Is anyone else eagerly anticipating the update to this one? But you have to take a deep breath and be an adult about it, seriously. Youre upset that it only took a few months for her to get what youve been waiting for 4 years. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. Fuck yes, he shouldnt have a choice in that. But this doesnt mean that hes not scum. Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Then the unlikely happens. Is this Twilight, for Gods sake? Imagine that you get to design a law that will allow fairness no matter which of these happens. I just disagree that sexual preference has anything to do with how likely one is to use a condom all the time. April 9, 2012, 10:48 am. If the woman wants to abort, then she can, but thats a decision she has to make because its happening inside her own body. You want to work on your social skills. Whoa whoa whoa this kid should be the most important thing in his life, over her?

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